The Importance of Being.....

Oh! The lover has gone away for 5 weeks. Back to his homeland to spend time with his family. I feel like I have had a limb removed. Apologies to anyone who actually has had a limb removed.
I thought I would be fine if we ever split but i have now realised I wouldn't be. I miss him terribly and this is a situation where I know he is coming back. I think it would kill me if it was a situation where he wasn't. Just shows you, you are always more attached than you think. I fooled myself into thinking I was happily in control and emotionally unattached. Fooey!
My "friends" in the mean time, are pissing me off. I use the term Friends very loosely. They are more.....acqauintances than friends. Over time my affair has become public knowledge with these people and because they have loose bits of crappy information, they think this gives them a right too access what happens to me. I'm sick and tired of being asked how things are. Believe me, they are not asking me because they actually give a damn how i'm doing. No, they are asking me in the hopes that I will give them something to talk about.
Also it seems that I have started a trend. Since I have started seeing this guy, 3 other girls have decided to get involved with 3 of his work mates.
One of which is my deputy boss who has just split from her long term boyf. Now I understand one wanting to let rip a little after a 7 year relationship but does she have to make a complete drunken, fool out of herself in the process? 2 glasses of wine and she is anyone's. Not only this but she uses her alcohol as a pass to spit jealous comments out at me whilst we are amongst friends. Professional huh?
I take the blame a little. I took her under my wing in the first stages of her crisis...but now its gone too far. She's one of these people who make everything about her at the most innapropriate times. The last straw came 2 sundays ago when she began balling her eyes out because the guy she was hitting on wasn't interested. Is it any wonder he's scared off when her chat up ploy is trying to stick her hands down the back of his pants?????
After we had calmed her down i had to pay £30 to get her in a cab home which she didn't say thank you for, nor did she give me the cash back! She is 30 by the way. I'm 26! Whose older?
I guess i'm just feeling everything a little bit more than usual because he isn't here to help me brush it off. Nevermind, in the mean time i'm trying to get things with my boyfriend back on track. Qualtiy time and all that. I do still love him, contrary to what you may all think. it's just that I also have a lot of ove for someone else too, albeit a very different sort of love...... God, I miss him. I miss them both. I miss the way I felt about my boyfriend before the lover came along and now I miss the lover not being here to take me away from my reality. Where will it all end? Somewhere all in tears I hear you all say. Maybe so but at least I can say I did it instead of wondering "what if?" x

So....Ive seen him a lot over the past week. The grilfriend officially moved out on Monday, not that her being around has ever made a difference. Actually, I don't give a flying continental if she is around or not as long as I get what I want.
The most recent time we were together, we both did a drug we don't normally do. I'm not sure if it was my paranoia but it messed with our chemistry and was a bit of an anti climax. It was very much a case of dont try and fix something that ain't broken!
There were a lot of silences. They weren't bad...they never are, but the quiet periods on this particular night were loud. It felt like I was having a conversation with him but from my mind to his. Nothing was actually being vocalised.
Swans are the most elegant things. On the surface they seem to glide calmly, never letting go of their dignity and poise. We do not see, nor do we speak of the hard work their little legs are doing underneath. They are forever pushing against the current, keeping themselves afloat, manouvering from one direction to the other. We just see their radiant beauty, regardless of the webbed strength below!

She lays on the bed, the front of her body pushing hard against the whiteness of a sheet, her legs outstretched.
A finger passes along her upturned foot, brushing along the arch, it flicks and curls. His hand trails the length of her leg, tracing the carved silhouette of each and every muscle. His lips sink onto her skin, teeth scraping at her flesh.
Her hair is pulled away from her neck and the cool, damp of his tongue is felt. She is spun onto her back, her hands pull at the sheets as his mouth disappears between her thighs.
A mass of knotted hair tosses from one side to the other and even while she tries to stay silent, fleeting moans escape her bitten lips.
She claws at his hair and uses all her strength to pull him onto her.
Nails redden his flesh, hands bruise her skin. Sometimes slow, sometimes fast, each time is better than the last.
The sheets are wet,there's no air in the room. All she can smell is him. Him and sex....and she loves it.

I've just come home after spending the night with the lover. After 7 months of keeping things sex related only....the barriers all came crashing down.
We talked. We always have talked, we've had the deep and meaningfull's but last night was really something.
All his defences were put too one side and he told me everything that he was thinking....especially about us. 7 months of not pushing this, taking care that I dont get emotionally attached, never letting myself completely go and he goes and takes it too the next level in one night.
The best thing he said was that he thanks God everyday that he has me in his life.
Things have now changed. It just got a whole lot more complicated.
Thing is....we will never be in a proper relationship. Its not what I want from him and he knows even if he could, he is not the best boyfriend material, what with all the drugs and womanising.
So, I ask you....where do we go from here?

Dear god.
Had another strange evening. Myself and fellow workers went for the usual post work drink. All good. Things got better when my secret lover walked in. "Bingo" I thought. That probably means we'll probably sneak off and have one of our nights. Except something unexpected happened. His girlfreind turned up!
I've seen her before but this was the first time I got a proper look. I'm not normally one to toot my own horn but....I'm better looking than she will ever hope to be. I don't get it. He's very, very handsome and well, the two of them look like those couples that you see and don't get why she is with him or vice versa! You know the couples I mean.
It was said that they had split but she was all over him, except he definately was not recipricating.
Dont' get it. My life balance is all out of wack!

Now,my life has never been perfect. Like everyone else, I've had my fair share of shit. Some of it has been worse than average, some of it not worth mentioning but i've always got through it none the less.
Prior to last December, I was pretty much cruising through life.
Apart from the hardship of furthering my career as a writer, all was well. Particularly my relationship. Excluding the normal boyfriend/girlfriend domestic crap I was still so in love with my boyfriend of 5 years. Then I began an affair. Seven months on and its still taking place.
Now, I have to say, my thoughts on adultery have always been mixed. I would never judge someone who was cheating but never thought I would actually have the gaul do it myself. I'm guessing this is a pretty common view.
Anyway, the man in question is high maintenance to say the least. He is known as a serial womaniser, he has a child but not with the girl he is currently living with. He has a disastrous drug habit that most people are aware of and to top it off he recently slept with one of my "friends".
After finding this out I swore I would never go back to him but after confronting him about the situation still ended up in bed with the guy.
I realise he is no good and falling into bed with him after he had bonked someone I knew did'nt make me any better than her or him. In fact I think it took me to an all new level of cheap!
I am also aware I am betraying someone who loves me dearly. Thing is, I'm hooked.
Although I want nothing from my lover and realise he would never give me anything if I did, I am intent on continuing this sordid scene.
He is undoubtably a shit and is, as I have been warned many a time, very bad news.
The sex is unbelievable and we have a very unusual raport. However, he is honestly testing my mental health.
I'm at his beck and call and cannot believe I have managed to lie and decieve for this long. I'm now waiting for shit to royally hit the fan....but until then, I know i'll continue.